


Uncool and Unusual Punishment

by SimplyChristian



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Fate Worse Than Death, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27196198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyChristian/pseuds/SimplyChristian
Summary: Battle won?  Check.  The Warrior vanquished?  Check.  Lilith freed?  Check.  Handsome Jack was on his knees bleeding out after having exhausted his lungs in his final monologue?  Check. Next item on the To Do List: decide the proper coup de grace for Handsome Jack.
Kudos: 3





	Uncool and Unusual Punishment

**Originally published on Fanfiction.net: 10/25/2020**

* * *

Battle won? Check.

The Warrior vanquished? Check.

Lilith freed? Check.

Handsome Jack was on his knees bleeding out after having exhausted his lungs in his final monologue? Check.

Next item on the To Do List: decide the proper coup de grace for Handsome Jack.

“I have an idea,” Maya spoke up.

“Oh? What is it?” the other Siren asked with a curious raised eyebrow.

Maya told them.

“Are you kidding me?” everyone (including the condemned) chorused with varying levels of incredulity. Well, everyone except for Krieg, of course; he just stared at her.

“Maya, don’t do this, you’re supposed to be the Sane One here,” Axton whined. “If it’s not you, the position of Sane One will have to fall on me!”

“Hey, I’m plenty sane!” Lilith protested.

“Aside from borderline delusions of godhood, of course you are,” the ex-soldier rebutted sarcastically.

“Nobody’s perfect,” the fiery Siren shrugged.

“We’re getting off topic,” Axton shook his head. “Maya, why in Pandora would you suggest such a stupid idea?”

“ _WE SHALL REPLACE HIS INTESTINES WITH PIPES AND MAKE HIS EYES LEAK OIL!”_

“See, Krieg thinks it’s a good idea,” Maya gestured to the Psycho triumphantly.

“First of all, having Krieg agree with you is _not_ a sign of something being a good idea! In fact, it’s the exact opposite!” the commando protested. “Second, being able to understand the words coming out his mouth is not a good sign of your mental health!”

“Are you saying my idea is stupid or crazy?”

“Both!”

“I don’t know, I’m starting to see the appeal,” Gaige piped up thoughtfully.

“Not you, too,” Axton moaned.

“Think about it!” the Mechromancer argued. “There are funnier ways to kill Jack. There are more awesome ways to kill Jack. And there are _definitely_ cooler ways to kill Jack. But honestly, can you think of a more _humiliating_ way to kill Jack?”

He opened his mouth to retort, but then stopped. After a moment of thinking in that position, he reluctantly closed his jaw and conceded, “No.”

“So, are we an agreement?” Maya looked at the other Vault Hunters for confirmation.

“Anticlimactic,” Zer0 considered. “Yet perhaps this _psychopath_ …” the emphasis on the word was smug and audibly italicized. “…Deserves nothing more.”

“I was going to shoot him, but this could be fun to watch,” Salvador agreed.

“Just shoot him?” Maya lifted a brow at the uncharacteristically reserved suggestion from the native Pandoran.

He grinned and held up his Vladofs.

“Never mind.”

“I still say this is a stupid and crazy idea, but it looks like I’m outvoted,” Axton sighed.

“Hey, _I_ vote nay!” Jack protested.

“Changed my mind, I vote yes.”

“What are we voting on?” the group heard Mordecai ask.

“You’re alive!” Gaige gasped joyfully.

“You betcha!” Brick confirmed. “Nothing as silly as a crashing gunship is gonna be enough to kill the Slab King!”

“So, why is Ugly Jack still alive?” Mordecai nodded towards their victim.

“We were discussing the best way to kill him,” Lilith answered.

“Oh, so what’s the word?” Brick asked.

They told them.

“You have _got_ to be kidding me,” Mordecai deadpanned.

* * *

“I still can’t believe you weren’t kidding,” Mordecai shook his head as he took a swig of rakk ale from his bottle. “You do realize he’ll never shut up about this, right?”

“He never shut up before,” Lilith pointed out. “At least this time when he never shuts up he’ll be bringing up a fond memory.”

“True,” the sniper nodded.

“Besides, we’ll be around to remind him who actually defeated Jack,” Salvador supplied, and with an eager grin, he added, “With bullets.”

“I admit, even though it was my idea, I was a little concerned he was going to botch things somehow, but it’s worked out pretty well,” Maya confessed before she tossed some popcorn into her mouth.

“Every dog has its day,” Axton shrugged.

Krieg added nothing to the conversation; he simply sat and gazed upon Handsome Jack’s fate completely calm and relaxed. It seemed that the sight soothed the savagery of his soul.

“It’s painful to watch sometimes,” Gaige admitted as she winced at one cringe-worthy action.

“I know what you mean,” Lilith agreed. “But it’s worth it.”

“Definitely,” the teenager affirmed.

“I can’t help but wonder if someone taught him how to do this, or he made it up on his own,” Axton thought out loud.

“For everyone’s sake, let’s hope it’s the latter,” Maya replied. “I’d hate to think about someone _else_ doing this.”

“Good point,” the commando shuddered.

“Someone _is_ taping this, right?” Brick asked.

“Of course!” Gaige answered perkily. “I can’t wait to see how many hits this will have once I post it on the ECHONet!”

“Well done, Lil’ Slab.”

Held barely alive and conscious by minor Insta-Heal injections, Handsome Jack’s method of execution was death by CL4P-TP.

The Vault Hunters all agreed the little robot’s… style was almost as painful for them as it was for Jack, but the villain’s suffering provided a pleasant anesthesia.

After all, what worse fate could they sentence their hated enemy than to serve as Claptrap’s dance floor?

* * *

**Author’s Note:** So, this little drabble had been on my brain for a few years now, but I never got around to publishing it until now.

For those of you who have been following my stories in other fandoms here on AO3, you might notice that the “Originally posted on Fanfiction.net” note at the start is a little more… recent than my other stories. That’s because this is the first time I’ve uploaded new work to AO3 and FFN simultaneously, and I just decided to be a little tongue-in-cheek about it.


End file.
